The Real Real

You might not be wondering why I am the way I am, but whether you like it or not, I'm gonna tell you. Tons of vulnerability and honesty... you're welcome?

In high school, I grew up in the shadow of my older sister. Teachers would tell me my sister was wonderful. Guys would tell me they wished they could talk to her. She never made me feel lesser but these other people made me feel that way. 

In college, I was constantly mocked because my sensibilities were driven by things that I found entertaining and humorous and it didn't fit in the construct of the art school dialogue (or so they believed back in 1997-2001). My painting style was too cartoony. My photography style was a little too pop. My friends didn't agree with my teachers but when one evil C you next Tuesday (PG for the youngins) told me that I would never make a career of art because it made no sense - I listened. 

I worked in the music industry for ten years. It was one of the most fun experiences that I ever had. My boss was awesome and let me create a position for myself. I found new ways to challenge myself and explore ideas that I'd never even thought possible. Quite often I would be told my ideas were crap and then somehow the idea would reappear as my bosses brainchild. If that wasn't enough to make you angry, he was an incredible micromanager. Near the end of my time I had begun to feel like I was incapable of making a decision without running it by his genius (I say completely in jest because I do think he has some serious genius in him). He never said I didn't know what I was doing but his actions were so diminishing that I became completely reliant on someone outside of myself for answers. 

As with most things there is a dark and a light side. What you've learned about me is that I was inferior, incapable, and incomplete. You can call it soul searching. You can call it the "Ah-Ha Moment" ala the self-help goddess, Oprah. But I simply call it figuring my shit out. I looked at all of the ways that people's actions and sometimes words made me feel like I was something that I'm just plain NOT. It wasn't an easy road to finding this. In fact it was hard, painful, and sometimes downright lonely. But I'm happy to say that the light at the end of the tunnel is almost blinding. Not everyone is fucked up but everyone could stand to have some honest self reflection and get really truthful. Is the public you the you you are in your head? (say that 10x fast) If you can't agree with that statement then you need to work on that. You have to change because it's killing you. I promise you that. It was definitely killing me.